Let's face it it this hasn't been a fair contest.
People apparantly basing their decision on our past record; an unbiased media; a muted reaction from the Canadain Parapalegic Association to the Tories' 'Stand up for Canada' slogan - the least they could have done is take this discrimination to the Supreme Court - have all conspired against us

And what are we doing - asking you to vote in the depths of winter? Many of you in rural areas having to drive kilometres as gas prices hover around the $1 per litre and then making you queue whilst numbskulls, who think that being volunteers gives them the right to be inefficient, can't find your name on the register
Some of you have to take some of your precious vacation to vote - How does that help your family?
Others get given time off work to vote - How does that help the economy?

One undistinguished blagger calls us fascists(CP), crooks(LIB), commies(NDP) and traitors(BQ)- he forgot the Lonnies (Green) - and there is no uproar about lack of respect for politicians

And what of the leaders?
Painted as a typical hockey dad, Harper's only (sur)real world experience was as leader of the shady organization the National Citizens coalition a name purloined from a Zambian political party, of all places
Layton and his faithful companion have lived off Toronto's taxpayers for more than a decade
As for Duceppe,the closest he has got to getting is hands dirty was wearing a shower cap in a cheese factory

Et moi? Well I have had a great career generationg massive profits but admit that precious little of them found their way to Revenue Canada

So we're a bunch of shysters - but surely the principle is still valid?
Nah. Don't believe all that baloney about your forefathers fighting for democracy That would be your forefathers that believed in slavery and would have strung up from the nearest tree anyone who remotely ssuggested same-sex marriage

And as for that canard that if you vote you cannot complain
You have one measly vote, for Chrissake. Not one riding in Canadian federal election history has been decided by one vote - and its not going to start happening now, I'm tellin' you. Voting is just the crack for the masses. It keeps you thinking you have some control of a country in fact run by a small elite

So I have a simple plea - Don't Vote.

Sit back and have a laugh this evening as CBC et al try and explain why riding after ridng has zero votes. By abstaining you will help make Canada become world news for the first time since seal culling was the story of the day

Scott, off the record, you are sure about the Elections Act, right. If no-one votes the incumbent keeps his/her job and we're back for four more years

There has been a lot of speculation recently regarding who the mole leaking our policies to the media ahead of time might be

I think the most likely culprit is Ms BS

Of course, she does not have direct access to the information but with the excitement of the battle the war room is full of testerone-filled men locked away from their loved ones for the six week duration ...
And she has a track record of playing the field. The mole with the a hole you could say. Or the 21st Century Deep Throat

One explanation for her actions is that she is really a double agent. Think about it. Why would she leave a party she helped create, her lover, and third place in the pecking order. Just to become Minister of Democratic Renewal in a government where such a notion is on the backest burner ever produced

Additionally, in hindsight, we would have done much better to have had the election back in the summer and if she hadn't crossed the floor and apparantly bailed us out that would have been the outcome. I would almost certainly be relaxing with a majority -or more robust minority - rather than deperately pulling rabbits out of the hat like that ludicrous notwithstanding notion

So it all makes sense

On the other hand, there could be a more prosaic explanation for her molish behaviour. She is desperate for us to lose big time so that she can get out of Parliament

For someone previously on $9million per annum, her $200,000 salary as a Minister must be a hardship and the thought of reverting to a backbencher's stipend and status would be the last straw natch (heh-heh. geddit) Normally a turncoat with a 700 vote margin would be swept out ignominiously but as she often complains

"It's not fair. Everyone loves me"

There seems to be universal agreement on who came out best in the debate

Not Jack Layton
Not Gilles Duceppe
Not Stephen Harper
But none other than...
Steve Paikin, the moderator

I collared him afterwards and offered him the post of Minister of Communications - not sure if we have one of those but if so they can be safely ditched. Hopefully, at the cabinet table, he will resist his annoying habit of interrupting me just prior to my getting round to the point

The highlight of the debate was my statement about doing away with the notwithstanding clause. This not only showed my bold nature but also confirmed my continued commitment to 'The Charter' by dismantling one of its fundamental clauses

The proposal caught my fellow competitors and the scribes off guard. There was a predictable negative response from the latter as it meant they all had to go and do research on a subject other than scandals Paul Wells's comment exemplified the reaction

Hey this is every man for himself here. And we came up with the idea when I was only three points down.

Of course in this particular case his bile is due to the bitterness he feels as he has had to face up to his marginalization: replaced by arch-rival, Andrew Coyne, on the CBC pundits panel; gradually eased out at Maclean's by a motley bunch of bloggers; and quitting the CommentsPlease site because someone was rude to him

Ah diddums

Anyway if this notwithstanding idea gets through, my legacy will be confirmed as I will put even more power of Canadians lives in the hands of unelected judges - two of them already my selections. Another one is due to retire in February as well. Perhaps I should make an advance appointment. You know, just in case the unimaginable happens..

Anyone know if Harriet Miers has dual citizenship

I'm the prime minister of Canada and always put Canadians first. That's why, when I did my trip out to Sri Lanka following the tsunami I wasn't there primarily to provide money or obtain photo-ops (although that one of Sheila and me holding hands on a deserted beach does have pride of place at home)

No, it was to see what advantage we could gain from Asia's loss. We can hardly offer beautiful beaches under a warm sun, or a distinctive cuisine - but there is sex-tourism. About the only tim you hear of Canadians abroad is when one has been caught with an under-age girl in South asia

With many of Thai and Sri Lankan children lost in the flood it will take them a long time to get back on their feet (or backs in this caase)

And now the Liberal leaning Supreme Court (with my appointments siding with the majority) has boosted home prospects with their decision allowing swingers clubs to flourish. Couple that with our age of consent for heterosexual sex which at 14 is the lowest in the Western world it places us in a great position(ahem) to reap the benefits

The rightwing have got their knickers in a twist over this one. On the one hand they dont want government intrusion; on the other, it is just another sign of moral decay under Liberals. More internal strife there. Goody-goody

The only fly in the ointment is the iniquity of the law as our mano-on-mano AOC is 18. Last thing I want is a bunch of poofs spouting their Charter rights just before an election

The US senate are about to vote on whether to allow drilling for oil in Alaska And I say, within the privacy of the internet, Why not do something that will keep gas prices down and make North America less dependent on fanatical Moslems.

After all, we can't be hypocritical about them wanting to exploit stretches of wasteland no one in their right minds would want to visit and where the most intelligent being within 500km are polar bears

Substitute black for polar and it sounds like Alberta to me

Our official position is that drilling in Alaska would upset Porcupine Caribou herds (yep I'm not kidding) but you can bet your bottom dollar if any decent amounts of the black stuff are found there we'll be opening up the Yukon to my buddies in the oil industry before I can say g**s and l******s

...talking of which

I see the NDP have nominated what passes for them as a star name, former governor general Ed Schreyer.

That brings with them some major problems which we can exploit. They just 'ousted' no-name Bev Desjarlais for her unofficial views on the same-sex issue but Schreyer has equivalent views and was fool enough to speak his mind 20 years ago calling homosexuality "an affliction" He got very testy when pressed on his position yesterday

Although I agree with him wholeheartedly, you won't catch me on that one

I just hide behind the Curtain of Rights!

A good start.

Pretty well everyone has made up their mind in Quebec already but 'Faux Pas' Harper helped me out with any other undecidecd voters

Firstly, he failed to understand a couple of the questions. Canadians deserve somebody who can speak both languages well. Just imagine what that would be like come a referendum, something I should clearly promote as a real and living danger

Secondly, I got him to remove the threat of using the notwithstanding clause on same-sex marriage. That will hurt him. Those wavering between us and the Tories never believe politicians anyways so it won't help him with that constituency. On the other hand, those poor, deluded soul on the right still have some misplaced trust and will think he means it.

Cue the next Preston Manning and the New Reform party. Hopefully, something will stir in the next month but longer term it is definitely looking rosy. If Harper fails to make PM, you can bet the knives will be out and the Conservatives will be starring in 'Return to Splitsville'

The Coalition of African Canadian Organizations has been bugging me for weeks for a meeting on gun violence and I finally cleared my agenda to see them yesterday Pardon the expression but this managed to kill several birds with one stone

• There's an election coming up and I need to cement the Negro vote
• I upstaged the odd couple's ( Bill Graham and Scott Brison. Ed) press conference on new defence purchases
• Judy Sgro got some attention for once. Hopefully that will stop her hopeless agitation for a recall to cabinet
• I was able to press the community to do more to foster my ambitions to make Montreal the jazz capital of the world

But the action that tipped the balance was the recent slaughter at a funeral. I want a stop put to any copy-cat action. Don't they know how many funerals, memorials and cemetery tours I do?

One of the leaders was a charming young woman called Saron Ghebressellassie. I made a strong suggestion that if she has any kids she either gives them a short first name - something like Tom for instance - or at least encourage the father to stick around long enough to get his name on the birth certificate. I have a feeling if the combined name comes to more than 25 letters it wont fit on identity cards and we could have a costly retooling of their dimensions or a Charter action facing us

Luckily, with all this election talk - and let's face it with the wimps leading the opposition talk is all it is -, the U.N. Human Rights Committee report on our policy of deporting terrorists to countries where they face torture has received little notice

However, the few bleeding hearts (mainly at the CBC) who have been pursuing the story have failed to focus on the salient point about Ahmed Elmaati, Muayyed Nureddin, Abdullah Almalki and Maher Arar. No I don't mean they are Muslim. Recognizing that would be discrimination. No I mean it is their names that gets them into trouble.

If only they had the foresight to pick a surname like Smith, Jones or say ... Robinson they would be less likely to be singled out in the first place

Top that up with Christian first name sugeesting a healthy lifestyle, something Scandinavian say like Per, Lars or for instance ... Svend

Hey you could get away with murder - or at least the theft of some pretty expensive jewellry - with a name like that

I'm kind of wondering whose idea it was to have a minister for Northern Ontario economic development Seems a bit parochial. Anyways Joe Comuzzi has gone now after refusing to support our same sex bill. Thankfully he resigned. Otherwise I would have been faced with the tricky dilemna of either upholding my insistence on cabinet loyalty or facing a court action from him. After all he is in a minority who exercised his right to vote with his conscience and my speechwriters had just led me to proclaim Close call there

Well finally time to lay the same-sex legislation to bed, as it were. What a relief. But I must make sure that I don't celebrate too wildly - particularly at any party that Scott Brison or Bill Graham run

Which leads me directly to reports that at a recent ball (of the Charity kind), Elton John insisted that guests were not to speak to him until they were spoken to.

Who does he think he is? Adrienne Clarkson!

Well bugger me! Oh, no, that was the other controversial Supreme court decision.

Yesterday they determined that it is unconstitutional to ban private insurance where the public system fails to provide reasonable service It was a 4-3 decison. Which reminds me, where the hell were my two appointments, Rosalie Abella and Louise Charron, while this travesty was taking place. In the powder room? ( The case was before the court prior to their elevation to the bench. Ed. )

As I told the press

And no I did not mean Quebec is free to seperate.

This decison will mean that we will have a THREE-tier system as middle class oinks will now be able to obtain insurance for private treatment - and I'm betting MP's will be the first bleating for it. One has to ask oneself what is the point of being rich (comme moi) if one cannot be assured of jumping to the head of any medical procedure queue.

You'ld think the well reimbursed geriatric panel would be on my side on this one but they harped on about waiting lists being a danger to life. Haven't they read the research about 10,000 Canadians dying per annum in hospital as a result of medical error. We're doing the hoi polloi a favour by delaying access to treatment. And how can one be a patient and not wait. It's literally illogical

Looking on the bright side, we can make the next election about this rather than Gomery. We can champion Medicare and accuse the Tories of wanting to lead us down the route of the, much more expensive and less encompassing, US model
Hopefully, no-one will point out that our costs outstrip virtually every other country in the world and our system is only ranked 30th by the UN - edged out of the 29th position by Morocco!

Still at it after all these years, Margaret Trudeau (ex-wife of the late, lamented Prime Minister) was recently arrested in a state of intoxication. Rather than put her hands up and ask for similar offences to be taken into account, she challenged the charge based on the Charter of Rights and Freedoms on the specious argument that she could not call a lawyer out to the intersection she was stopped at. Pierre may well have had her specific situation in mind but it seems to me that this flagrant abuse of the legislation clearly discriminates against the majority i.e those who cannot afford some high priced attorney at a preliminary hearing. Still it might set a useful precedent for society's elite, comme moi

The trial continues Oct. 4 and 5 in Ottawa. Part of me hopes she gets off. Anyone who could cuckold the vain Pierre has to have my admiration

As readers of the blogg will know, I have aspirations to become either UN Secretary General or Pope (possibly both). However, I am not inclined to totally neglect a role in Canada and the rehabilitation of high profile convicts such as Saddan Hussein and Karla Homolka is one I am temperementally and religiously suited to

In fact, Homolka was on my mind just last night. Luckily, I managed to convince Sheila that the word I actually emitted at the time of (ahem) emission was 'Darling' not 'Karla'.

The poor thing has been subject to the predictable hatchet job by journalists who might have saved her from all this if they had tracked down the Scarborough rapist aka Paul Bernardo before they became man and wife

I wonder just how many prisoners who aided the authorities have had to serve a full 12 years of a manslaughter conviction and then be subject to restrictions on her release. Precious few I'm guessing but don't expect any hack to discover the answer. The suggestion she is likely to persistently reoffend is ludicrous. Just how many more sister does she have?!

Of course, I do not wish to become publicly involved in her case and hope her lawyers dont realise that the threat she is under is purely because as a woman she is supposed to be more caring. There are some subjects I don't want to become Charter issues thank you very much

With Kofi Ann-An's travails ( the Sec-Gen. of the UN had lukewarm endorsement from the inquiry team looking into the food-for-oil scandal involving his son. Ed) The time scale on me replacing him is looking a bit iffy

So I am now turning my attention to that other great world head of State, the Popedom. I seem to have the perfect qualifications

• I am a devout Catholic. See how I have wrestled with church/state issues
• I am male. None of that equal-rights, Charter nonsense in the Church, thank God
• I am none Italian. The Pope John-Paul II experiment (Polish born Karol J. Wojtyla. Ed) has proved wildly successful
• I would not countenance an inquiry into how the previous Pope was bumped off. I have learnt my lesson from Gomery
• I have experience of dealing with sensitive issues. Same-sex is one step away from Priests and choirboys
• I already speak two languages fluently. Anyways how difficult can it be to wheeze 'God Bless You" unintelligibly in 62 languages as the current Pope has done for the past couple of years
• My name is Paul. A popular choice. I'd be VII, I believe

Just to lay the groundwork, I slipped in a reference to God in that Mountie speech i gave the other day

Where's the opposition. Looks like a slam-dunk to me

Almost certainly unintentional, but I noticed that whenever Harper said "solemnization of marriage" it sounded like "sodomization of marriage"
Good bit of sumbliminal advertizing for the bad guys

I'm leaving this baby to Irwin Cotler but I do wish he wouldn't keep stressing that "officials of religious groups are free to refuse to perform marriages that are not in accordance with their religious beliefs"
Aren't 50% of priests and ministers gay? What happens when they refuse to marry straight couples on the basis of their 'religious beliefs'?

There have been some mutterings that my robust defence of the Charter on the same-sex issue might get me into trouble down the road. After all, sexual orientation is not even one of the nine categories mentioned in the Equality Rights section so, basically, anything goes

However, there are some things that trump even the Charter viz. My remaining PM

When it comes to affairs of the charter
I won't sell out, bargain or barter
Unless the polls say
Things aren't running my way
My name is Paul Martin, not Martyr

So worry not

Our Fredericton retreat has been more like a retread - same old arguments repeatedly endlessly. God I'll be glad when this same-sex thing is over. Any more clips of them slobbering over each other at weddings and I'll throw up
Not that I wouldn't have the same reaction with straights of course

I wonder if gays will now get pressure from their parents to get married? I must have a word with Scott Brison. Perhaps it's time he settled down if he wants to become leader. He makes an idel protege. Young enough not to be a threat and gives me good same-sex credentials so any undermining of Bill Graham can't be construed as gay-bashing

I don't want to talk about it and you can't make me

I may be in a minority but minorites have rights and as the prime minister of the country I am here to defend them

Perhaps I shouldn't have threatened an election but polygamy seemed too good an issue to miss out on. Apparantly the numbers for the vote are not looking so good. Some members of caucus seem to have a very vague notion of what freedom is. Didn't they listen to Dubya's elecion speech?

Tim has suggested I might like to increase my cabinet to include some of the members who would otherwise vote against. Seems a bit crude but
Protecting the Charter of Rights! It's Canadian's number 1 priority

Anyways, my response was in French and as Harper should know, an election call has to be made in both official languages. So Boo Sucks to him.
Also my initial response was cut off so in the interests of clarity ..

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