Meanwhile, his fellow Canuck - the amazingly named for a Christian, Harmet Sooden - was already selling his soul by giving an exclusive interview to that media powerhouse, TV New Zealand

The big surprise - at least to the cream of Canadian's investigative journalists - is that Loney is gay.
You would think that his fellow captive's name would be a giveaway but obviously the hacks whiled the days away waiting for a story by playing soduku rather than passing the time on anagrams (Harmeet Sooden - Need a rest homo; geddit)

Apparantly there was a feeling from his loved ones that letting out his sexual orientation might have caused the terrorists his Christian organization supports to treat him like the well, stone age heathens they apparantly are

Anyways, prior to Looney announcing his anticipated candidature for leadership of the Liberal party he plans to spend some time with his family viz lover Dan

I would be surprised if his 'need (for) some time to get reacquainted with my partner Dan', doesn't involve masked hoods, bodage and torture

You know what these evangelicals are like

Sorry about the hiatus but as you may know I have been assuidiously discharging my duties as a constituency MP by (ahem) taking a vacation in California

Luckily, this prior arrangement allowed me to miss the bash Sheila Copps event (shouldnt that be Sheila Copps bash event Ed.) at which the nobodies of the party have their one flirtation with the notion that they may be somebody by seeking out nomination to be party leader.

Of course, the heavyweights, Mckenna, Tobin, Manley and, I believe, Rock all want to 'spend more time with my family' a euphemism for 'I want to spend more time coining it in private business - you didn't think I went into public service to serve the public, did you?!'. No doubt if they were assured of victory their egos and lust for power would cause a rapid volte-face (that's about turn for you , Brian). After all it is as logically certain as that night follows day that heading the party guarantees a stint as PM. But it looks like the party are going to go outside the loyalists remembering with rose-coloured spectacles the days when the Pearsons and Trudeaus were plucked from the outer circle
So it's those who have only a fleeting affiliation, if any, with the Liberal party e.g the Brison, Sronach, Ignatieff and Rae's of this world who will be fighting it out by the end of this year.
Mark my words

What's news there? No doubt hundreds of Asians and Latinos suffer the same fate annually but these were Portugese. A bit more like us

Anyways these lawbreakers got the full sympathy treatment about how they were finagled out of money by evil consultants suggesting they apply on refugee grounds

Hello! This is Portugese coming to Canada not vice versa. Unless their slow boat from Lisbon left before fascist Salazar died in 1970, Portugal's temperate climate, the land of sardines and sweet wine, is a go-to place

Our immigration ministry might help with a 'No Portugese' notice but I suspect 90% of their cases and hence trheir employment are built round no-hope cases

As a sidenote, I remember visiting post-war England and seeing signs in guest houses for 'No Blacks'. Rumour has it that the three year old Conrad Black saw the same on a trip to London. Even at that age he was amazingly self absorbed and did not realise it referred to our coloured brethren. This fuelled a srong desire to be accepted by the Brits, and a hang-the-consequences business ethic culminating in both a peerage and criminal charges.

Expect him to produce the race card at his forthcoming trial

No, I mean it has been several hours since their release (without any obvious assitance by Canadian troops) and there has been no statement from our wonderful new Tory government

Trouble tracking down where Peter Mackay's sleeping I guess. Tee-hee

Get onto it newshounds

Looks like we have hit the first proverbial rut in the road with the execution of a shopkeeper when the rickshaw he was travelling in refused to stop at a checkpoint.

His family claimed that there was no warning but I have little doubt that our boys are telling the truth. Rickshaws are notoriously hard to flag down in Kandahar and I expect he told the driver to continue thinking that if they stopped he would be hauled out by another prospective fare

No of much greater concern is that apparantly he was hit by one of five shots fired from a distance of one metre! All the others missed the deceased and other occupants of the vehicle

Back to the firing range squaddies. I expect a better performance next time

'The Sunnis and shiites should stop fighting so that we can leave
George W Bush 15 Mar 2006

'The Sunnis and Shiites should stop fighting and get the Americans to leave'
Saddam Hussein 15 Mar 2006

I predict that the non stop barrage of photos of Harper and the boys will come back to haunt him

It's not as though it's even his war or, for that matter, mine. You wouldn't have caught me out there other than for a stopover from sunnier climes (what is there to do in downtown Kandahar for nightlife after all. I hear there is not a Tim Hortons in the place)

It was merely an expedient way of avoiding Iraq without incurring the full wrath of the US administration. In hindsight, another error by my predecessor. In that soon to be realized civil war of a country we would have been a small cog that could easily have withdrawn from Bush's Folly. In Afganistan, we're front and centre 'supported' back home by a public keen to pull out at the first casualties incurred by a joyriding squaddy and a mad axeman.

We are stuck in the officially named 'The Islamic Republic of Afghanistan', a landlocked country bordered by China, India, Paki- and various assorted other -istans where the opium trade conservatively accounts for a third of GDP. About as far away physically, politically and culturally from our own land

Stephen you're welcome to it. I'd book the same week for several years ahead. You or your successor are going to need to rally the troops indefinitely

I am, of course, referring to the inaugural world baseball classic
After near humiliation by a South African team whose outfielders' routes would have been out of place on a high school team, Corey Koskie did for Canada what he could never do in Canada when with the Blue jays i.e. hit a three run homer. We hang on to beat a US team that took us far too lightly causing interest in tthe competition to rise a hundredfold (yep 200 people watched the match).

Then after having already had in place a strategy to get through to the next round ie having our best(sic) starting pitcher face the beaners our knuckle-headed manger Ernie Whitt(less) failed to adapt once circumstances had changed All we had to do was agree with Mexico that they could win a low scoring game and we were both through.

You don't think the representatives of that country would be 'open to persuasion'? After all who would they rather be facing further down the line - us or the US. Come on

But oh no. He relied on his players and it was basically over after one inning

It's not as though the victory over the US of A is looking thatimpressive. They have subsequently lost to Korea and only defeated Japan thanks to a gross error by an American umpire (whats he doing in a game his country is playing in?) deemed not good enough for the major leagues

Oh well back to the Curling

..out of my life forever

I was tipped off that last sunday's episode of the 'West Wing' was going to have a section where the Democrat candidate, Santos, gets a big boost in the polls due to the backing of a certain former Canadian Prime Minister (no names, no pack drill but I can't see any of the other five options fitting the bill)

Then bugger me, in a last minute script alteration, Santos's aides are creaming themselves about meeting BONO! Will no one rid me of this man? It wouldnt surprise me if the series ends with a tied Presidential race and the two candidates agreeing that the aging rocker should take the reins by acclamation

A hideous ending but no worse, I suppose, than the real thing

A few weeks ago his death have been headline news and I would be preparing a tribute for his memorial service.

Now nothing ( OK pray tell. Ed)

I am, of course, referring to the shocking demise of my old friend and cabinet colleague, Irwin Cotler ( Are you sure? Ed)

Clearly Canadians forget their own too swiftly. No doubt he was shunned bu his legal peers after all the ignominous apologies for our policies. His torturous legal arguments fooled no-one but good trooper that he was he did his bit for the party, if not the country. I didn't think he had it in him to sell his soul to keep us in power but he did. Of course when we got turfed he had neither position nor integrity. His last days must have been very sad ( Nothing about this on Google News yet. Ed.)

In fact, I only came across the news that he had passed away from an obituary in the Independent ( Hang on while I check this out. Ed)

The Brits still take a sniffy Colonial attitude, I'm sorry to say. His sterling work as Minister of Justice is covered by the phrase "..from the mid 1990's on he was largely retired..". I know the position was hardly onerous but even so.. ( I think you've got the wrong guy Ed)

Apparantly, the old rogue led a double life. He was clearly a man of great energy, belying the fact that he was over 80. He commuted to Ottawa from a small North London flat and was partial to wearing pink flamingo shirts and straw suits. I'm surprised he maintained tenure at McGill University for so long ( This is Ivor Cutler NOT Irwin Cotler Ed)

And to top it all he went by the nickname, Buster Bloodvessel, which I suppose was appropriate in the end. It's amazing what some people conceal from even their closest colleagues! ( I give up Ed)

Bit late to this one but as the Afghan invasion continues with us at the helm of operations and the forefront of casualties has anyone noticed that our great multi-cultural country is represented in the field exclusively by soldiers of a lilywhite complexion that reminds one of Oak Bay, Victoria circa 1950

Mind you after World War II, I can understand the reluctance of any citizens of Asian descent signing up. After their grandparents incarceration they are probably a bit wary of 'family fire'

Sorry about the delay in postings. I've been a bit under the weather Still it gave me a chance to visit one of our great Canadian icons - and launching pad for aspiring Governor Generals - the CBC

Oh Dear

I try and listen to the Toronto Morning Show when Andy Barrie is off. In Britain, the BBC has an equivalent show full of top politicians duelling with hard-nosed interviews about things that matter to their country and the world. The high-point of today's programme over here was a twee discussion about an upcoming workshop on transgendering for Seniors.
Yikes

Still even that pales compared with the catastrophe that is the TV's 'At The Hotel', Ken Finkelman's latest CBC project. KF seems to have some Rasputin-like hold at the CBC court. The first season of 'The Newsroom' was amusing, albeit derivative, but that was a decade ago. It has been a precipitous decline ever since; hitting rock bottom with this six part series whose lavish budget reputedly meant cancellation (or merciful eradication whichever way you look at it) of 'Da Vincis Code' and 'This is Wonderland'

It's unclear what hold the Atom Egoyan of the small screen has over Rabinovich's crew and the public purse. One might surmise that it was lingering respect for his successful spell down south; but his credits there amount to eminently forgettable sequels. Grease 2, anyone?

The CBC will be in trouble if ever Harper inadvertently happens on the show whilst surfing for Fox news. He might have the answer to the question that Finkelman poses

Is the CBC in the game of making money or is it in the business of making things that are of cultural value?

With 'At the Hotel' it is clearly neither and may just hasten the demise of Canada's Auntie

He's in the clink

Disgraced rock star, Gary Glitter
Gives tips on how not to be bitter
"Get a Vietnamese
Spread her legs at the knees
Then see if your schlong will fit her"

Probably not many of the puckheads that drunkenly hum along to the hockey anthem Rock And Roll Part 2, realise that it is performed by serial pedophile, Paul Gadd aka Gary Glitter.

Not a lot of people know that my youngest was conceived to the sound of

I love you love you love me too love I love you love me love; I love you love my only true love I love you love me love.

Not sure his defence that he was only teaching the 10 year old Vietnamese girls English is going to wash. Someone should point out that 'penis' and 'vagina' are actually Latin words

Well the blonde-bimbos from Thunder Bay have finally come forward with their side of the story in the Ianiero killings and the Mexican authorities have asked the RCMP to get involved

Off the top of my head, these are a few questions they can ask of the twosome

1. If they were so worried about being seperated from their children, why did they take off without them for a week of sun, sex and slaughter
2. Where are the fathers of their kids
3. What were they doing sharing a room. Did they go for the king-size bed option
4. How come they are still students in their mid-thirties and in all that time have apparantly compiled one term of part-time payed employment in palliative care
5. How could they afford to stay at the Barcelo Maya Beach, a 5 Star - Deluxe All-Inclusive Resort
6. Why did they apparantly book in under assumed names
7. Why have they taken a week to come forward with their story
8. Did they watch a recent episode of CSI which featured a corrupt and ineffective Mexican Police Force
9. Just supposing they were partying heavily on their last day in the resort, how would they react if two respectable Roman Catholics from along the corridor had chastised them for their behaviour and morals

As PM I had little time to read other than the occasional piece of majestic investigative journalism, or unintentional humour, but the recent controversy about the da Vinci code, led me to read Dan Brown's best-seller

What interests me most is not the plagiarism aspect but the central contention of the book that Jesus and Mary Magdalene did the dirty, a child resulted and a yet-undiscovered lineage ensued

Why not, after all. Jesus was a man of thirty in the days when 'warming up the altar boy's dinner' was frowned on. Quite likely he had a whore now and again to releave the tension

Then the thought struck me that I might be a descendant. Although I come from good Roman Catholic stock, there might have been some Jewish forbears. After all there are interesting parallels

• I have a natural tendency to save money, hence my success at Finance
• My name is Paul, just like the founder of Christianity
• Without being aware of the fact, I heavily invested in Jewry for my cabinet
• I was the saviour of the Liberal Party from the clutches of my predecessor but was martyred by an ungrateful public
• I instintively did not give up the Party leadership - perhaps in the hope of an early Second Coming

I asked Sheila if I was circumcised. She could not recall, but the last time 'I saw a man about a dog' I checked it out and, sure enough, I have 'bald-headed giggle stick'

Hardly conclusive, but enough for me to delve into my family history a bit more closely. Any help much appreciated

I cannot say this scandal has drawn me in much over the past decade. Our summer vacations never include slumming it with the sort of people who can only afford a camping vacation.

Indeed the only aspect that interested me was the patronising attitude shown to the injured injun by referring to him as Dudley George. Dudley George what? Doesn't he have a surname or is it something like "flowering eternal blossom' and we're too PC to mention it?

Anyways the guy who shot him, Officer Kenneth Deane, died yesterday in a car crash as he was 'attempting to steer around vehicles', with an 'unidentified passenger'. Probably need another Rouyal commission to get to the bottom of that.

Still divine retribution. If I was Mike Harris, I'd get my ears waxed before the golf season starts. He won't want to miss hearong 'Fore' as a golf ball hurtles towards his head at 100mph

This is the proud headline in Today's Toronto Star

The paper points out that we have currently won more womens medals than any other country including Germany and Russia. Of course even one bronze would have topped those won by genuine Russian or German women back in the 1970's but that's a different story

Cindy Klassen accounts for a remarkable four but nice girl that she is, there is no gainsaying the fact that they practically give away a speed skating medal with every jumbo pack of Cheerios

And the women's victory in the hockey was only gained on the back of enormous funding enabling the team to train together for most of the past year

The corollary of the women's success - which the Star seems to be reluctant to face - is the men's failure. The five they have picked up to date means we rank with behomeths of the ice world like South Korea! And it's not as though it was the elite events in which our men have come through. The dubious new judging system favoured Buttle enough to gain him a bronze in the men's figure skating but otherwise it was team pursuit; bobsleigh; and two in the skeleton (whatever that is)

All would have been saved if we had won the men's hockey but our ignominious defeat in the quarter-finals means these Olympics will be regarded as a failure. Our team managed to score less than Tony Valeri in a nunnery. It is not even as if we are being shown up by countries with a bigger population like the USA, or the old Soviet Red Army machine. Nope Finland, population 5 million is creaming us

Roll on Vancouver

As Iraq lurches towards civil war - something that will take the eye off the mounting US death toll - it is good to see that Tony Blair can still rely on his speechwriters to come up with a bon mot. He condemned the mosque bombing as

I'm betting he's hoping that in the next destruction of a shrine they find some human excreta so that he can swiftly amend the above to

Anything to deflect the constant barrage of criticism he gets for supporting Dubya come hell or high water.

One theory for this perverse attitude is that in their cranky born-again vaguely masonic way, Bush is some sort of Supreme Being to which Blair is obliged to abase himself

I don't buy that. The more likely reason that he's the White House's poodle is that he was caught with the White House poodle. And there are incriminating photos to prove it

However, as you will no doubt have guessed, all Canadians are more transfixed by the conflict between the pro and anti Wayne Gretzky camps following our boy's wuppin at the hands of the Russians

To be honest skating has no intrinsic interest for me. I'm more of a follow-the-salt-wagons guy who unless being propped up for the papparazzi relies on double blades to navigate frozen water

However, its good to see other greats tossed out before their time. Pat Quinn is back to his day job of ensuring that the Toronto Maple Leafs fail to make the playoffs; and Wayne can now cozy up with the rest of the family in front of the computer screen to watch Mummy drop another $100,000 at the click of the 'Enter' key

I'm assuming Gretzky has picked up some acting tips from his small-town actress wife so now that he has at last suffered a bit of pain he might be able to play the (slightly) younger me in my upcoming biopic.

I might call round, possibly when he's out with the kids. I see she posed for Playboy and was heavily pregnant when they married. Perhaps she has some other addictions

I see the film award season is now in full swing (does it ever stop) and it's a good way of maintaining popularity for what are a generally speaking coke-snorting, wife-beating, sexually promiscuous bunch of ne'er-do-wells

So I'm writing off to Kofi Ann An suggesting we do something similar for politicians. Have Premier of the year (Sharon would get a good sympathy vote), Most Promising Newcomer (Harper wouldn't even make the short-list) and Lifetime Award (Thatcher before she pegs it)

Of course, I would have picked up several best-supporting awards during the 90's. It would have been all the more satisfying as my predecessor would have left home empty-handed year after year

Anyways, I saw the Oscar favourite, BrokeBack Mountain the other day. Nice scenery but the storyline didn't gel. It was about a couple of typically-married cowboys who met up for a fishing trip once a year. They played the strong silent types but then got incongrously over-affectionate on their annual trysts. Seemed a bit queer

Also one of them dies near the end. His wife clearly states that it was an accident whilst fixing a tyre but then the visuals show him being attacked and killed for no apparant reason. An alternative scene that should have been spotted before it went on general release

No Oscar for editing - that's for sure

I suppose there is a superficial likeness...

...but it's hard to believe that VP Dick Cheney, the only man living who can see Weapons of Mass Destruction at a distance 10,000 miles, was unable to detect the difference between his old buddy, 78 year old lawyer, Harry Whittington, and 'Coturnix coturnix', otherwise known as the Common Quail

No. I'm with the conspiracy theorists on this one. The two of them were out with a couple of middle- age broads at some drunken orgy. Dick was miffed that the older man was getting all the well.. dick and took him out in a fit of jealousy

Now worried he will talk they have locked HW away in a 'hospital' run by some Neo-Christians and induced a heart attack. No press allowed in to see the patient, of course, although apparantly he's fit enough to have restarted working

I'm predicting that sometime down the road we'll get a bulletin reporting a relapse and subsequent demise. Naturally this will be totally unrelated to the shooting incident and not unexpected in a man nearing 80

In the unlikely event that the VP should venture North, the one on the left is the brown-breasted Martin

The area I'm interested in is appellation profiling. The more I reflect on the election the more I see that S Harper had the best name. The electorate thought that meant he would be clever and adroit when in fact he represents the meaning "artful, bent, crafty, cunning, deceitful, designing, feather legs, ornery, salty, shady, shrewd, slick, slippery, sly, smart, snake, two-faced, underhand, unethical, unscrupulous, wil" as they are now discovering.

In contrast Duceppe conjures up being duped, and Layton would be late-on reacting - not what you want from a PM. I, of course have a neutral name - good for second place only. It is only in hindsight we can tell what would work for instance my predecessor got the sympathy vote not just for his lack of looks but also his idiot surname

The same theory could apply to country names. One of the most reviled countries, Haiti, is currently in the news for more bad reasons. Our GG hardly did much for her homeland by escaping at the first opportunity but with its low cost of living and beautiful climate and beaches it has much going for it

So why does it fail. Simply the name. Change it to Lovey and you'ld have West End and Broadway stars flocking there followed by papparazi, gawkers etc.. All of a sudden the Bahamas would be old news

Just a thought

To be honest, I used to find sports a bore. Apart from the obligatory nod to hockey and my early coup of meeting the provincial premiers at a Grey Cup encounter, I find its level of chance too great. I prefer the control of politics

But watching yet another of our Olympic hopefuls wipeout, I see an association between both decaying institutions. Amateur sportsmen/women are like most aspiring politicians. Unable to compete at the highest level (the former in professional sports, the latter in business, law or banking), they live off the state hoping for fame and the ability to turn whatever success they achieve into a sinecure. Not too worried about how it is achieved either, whether via white powders or brown envelopes.

There is also the commonality of a four year cycle, or thereabouts, of Games and Elections

And both sets continually disappoint. The proud boast of 25 trips to the podium is looking out of reach, unless they count all memners of the women's hockey team, and I can already see the plea for extra funding so that we don't revisit Montreal ( Only time the host nation did not win a single gold. Ed. ) when the games are held in Vancouver four years hence.

Of course, it is far too late to pour money in now but hey, that's your problem, Stephen

You know I haven't had an opportunity to view the cartoon. None of our namby-pamby press would print it and a craven Peter Mackay's first action as Forein Minister was to kow-tow to Muhammed's supporters.

Why not view it online, you say?
Uh-huh. Like I'd fall for that one

If the RCMP scupper your re-election they are more than capable of seizing your computer to check up on any 'harmless hobbies' I might have. Then the old baksheesh routine comes in and they spill the beans that the cartoon is on my hard drive

Rseult? Attack on now bodyguard-nuetered Moi by some jihadist fanatic

You think I'm over-reacting? Look at it this way To most Western men sex is the most important thing and yet at my age we do the dirty SA less than five times a WEEK on average

Muslims pray five times a DAY. It's clear where their priorities lie

Unfortunately, I now have too much time on my hands so after the pleasure obtained from the thought that Emerson's harassed children are turning against him and that Mulroney will be wishing he pegged it last year I turned on the TV to find that my bete-noire had stolen my 'thanks to dad' line as U2 swept the Grammys

I'm sure it's only a matter of time - before the call comes

A week or so ago I would have been apoplectic with rage, fulminating about the abuse of democracy and the gall of his immediate reneging on election promises. But now I'm totally sanguine about Harper's cabinet manouveres

In fact I had to smile when he allowed the TV cameras in to the beginning of his caucus meeting at which he brazenly stated that every one had an equal voice. Shades of Animal Farm - The Digest version

And Fortier had this priceless quote

Exactly. Why expend the energy when you have a cabinet post in the offing anyways. And at Public Works at that, the biggest trough of all. Well his five children won't be going hungry I'm guaranteeing you

If I had realised Harper would move at this speed to take the brightest and best I would have pushed him a bit harder at our handover meeting. After all I still have seat for sale.

My preference is for Indian Affairs and I gave him a pretty blatant hint at my farewell speech when I mentioned how proud I was of the accord with the First Nations - you know that one where we agreed to come up with some deadlines over the next decade. After all I couldn't do any worse than that waste of space Andy Scott. The summers up North (all six days of them) are quite pleasant and I'd enjoy getting away from Sheila for a few bevys and a spot of country-wifing

He gave the position to Jim Prentice who harbours leadership hopes himself so I feel he will be for the push ere long

Sorry got to go. Sheila is sending me off for my constitutional. Better take the cell phone. Just in case

A. Right where he's always been - on the Front Bench!

Er That's Waldo as in Ralph Waldo EMERSON . geddit (Please note former editor and proof reader, Scott Reid, is no longer working for this publication. so the writer's tortured attempts at wit may unfortunately occasionally slip through. PM)

Anyways, yesterday's cabinet announcement was quite a doozy. After going on and on about what a different vision of Canada I had from Harper it turns out it was basically the same

SCREW DEMOCRACY

His high-mindedness lasted precisely one nanosecond of power before he played not only the 'Unelected Senator/Best Buddy' but also the 'Turncoat/Serve My Country' card

If I had realised last year that he had the ethics of a skunk I would have got him (rather than Daddy's Girl) to switch sides . A promise of first refusal after my abdication would clearly have got him to cross the floor. Then, in the debates, I would only have been up against Peter Mackay - a man who apparantly prefers dogs to women

I mean blogging not power

Word is that Monte Solberg may miss out on a plum Cabinet post because he was so busy blogging that the Conservatives Finacial platform was out days late and even then they did not have the numbers right

Well I'm glad to be out of it frankly - particularly the Phwagh! Cabinet - well just you try spending hours on end with Murphy, Duffy and co as the latest sweat-inducing polls come in.

Just in case you are concerned about their future prospects - after all it's quite an achievement to lose power with me at the helm - worry not. I hear Tim Murphy is to be a 'security consultant' with the Pangloss Institute whilst Scott Reid has been approached to be spokesmen for both Molson and Pop Weaver.

As for me? Well my little 'joke' about calling an election 30 days after Gomery II fell flat. I was kind of hoping the hacks would spontaneously break into a call of 'Four More Years' and I could execute a Putsch. But it was not to be. So I have fallen back on the UN Sec Gens job. I'll start by following up my work at a UN commission on increasing private investment in the Third World and use it to make contacts and set a powerbase for when Kofi AnAn leaves

When I rule the world
Every day will be the first day of spring
dum-di-dah.. dum-di-dee...

Biggest gut-check
When I stated that the result didn't matter as I was going to call an election 30 days after the second Gomery report came out anyways. There was a collective hush amongst my advisors before they all trooped out silently

Biggest regret
I didn't extend the 'guns in our cities' ad.
The Tories didnt get one seat in Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver
Coincidence? I think not.
We should have gone with "Soldiers with Guns. In our cities. In our towns. And in our villages"
Cost us the election in my view

Proudest moment
That we got 100 seats - more than 50 times what the Tories got after their comeuppance. This in spite of the fact that my predecessor landed me in this mess, his acolytes did their best to bring me down and that I had a bunch of clowns working for me
I have clearly laid a bedrock of support from which we should have no trouble winning next time out

Biggest laugh
That Belinda Stronach and Michael Ignatieff would rather be in a Ukranian prison than stuck on the opposition benches. Their tilts at the leadership will founder as the Liberals do not want a 'Born to Rule' leader thrust upon them

Next project
Well I will be pursuing my plans to become Pope and/or UN leader
Also putting the finishing touches to my book "Paul Martin - My Part in his Downfall'

Let's face it it this hasn't been a fair contest.
People apparantly basing their decision on our past record; an unbiased media; a muted reaction from the Canadain Parapalegic Association to the Tories' 'Stand up for Canada' slogan - the least they could have done is take this discrimination to the Supreme Court - have all conspired against us

And what are we doing - asking you to vote in the depths of winter? Many of you in rural areas having to drive kilometres as gas prices hover around the $1 per litre and then making you queue whilst numbskulls, who think that being volunteers gives them the right to be inefficient, can't find your name on the register
Some of you have to take some of your precious vacation to vote - How does that help your family?
Others get given time off work to vote - How does that help the economy?

One undistinguished blagger calls us fascists(CP), crooks(LIB), commies(NDP) and traitors(BQ)- he forgot the Lonnies (Green) - and there is no uproar about lack of respect for politicians

And what of the leaders?
Painted as a typical hockey dad, Harper's only (sur)real world experience was as leader of the shady organization the National Citizens coalition a name purloined from a Zambian political party, of all places
Layton and his faithful companion have lived off Toronto's taxpayers for more than a decade
As for Duceppe,the closest he has got to getting is hands dirty was wearing a shower cap in a cheese factory

Et moi? Well I have had a great career generationg massive profits but admit that precious little of them found their way to Revenue Canada

So we're a bunch of shysters - but surely the principle is still valid?
Nah. Don't believe all that baloney about your forefathers fighting for democracy That would be your forefathers that believed in slavery and would have strung up from the nearest tree anyone who remotely ssuggested same-sex marriage

And as for that canard that if you vote you cannot complain
You have one measly vote, for Chrissake. Not one riding in Canadian federal election history has been decided by one vote - and its not going to start happening now, I'm tellin' you. Voting is just the crack for the masses. It keeps you thinking you have some control of a country in fact run by a small elite

So I have a simple plea - Don't Vote.

Sit back and have a laugh this evening as CBC et al try and explain why riding after ridng has zero votes. By abstaining you will help make Canada become world news for the first time since seal culling was the story of the day

Scott, off the record, you are sure about the Elections Act, right. If no-one votes the incumbent keeps his/her job and we're back for four more years

Luckily we signed up this gas guzzler for air miles - now you know why sheila comes with me. I could do with some as the Witchfinder-General got a bit snippy when I applied for them after the South East Asia tsunami trip
I've hadn't realised there were so many parts of the country I never want to see again.

I got told Harper had never travelled outside of North America. What a Little.. er.. Albertaner. Obviously a man of no culture (in contrast,I saw Mamma Mia in London's West End !) or wealth, either of which should automatically disbar him from leadership of the country

The Tories later put out a press release that he had actually been to Europe, several times on my trips. Looking back, I suppose he must have been that guy who sat in the corner sticking pins into Martin Luther King bobbleheads. Bit difficult to tell with one of those white pointy hoods over his head, though

First the bad news

From my local optometrist

" Recent pronouncements have concerned us about your vision have been compounded by your recent advertisement in which you appeared to have difficulty locating the camera We would advise you that at you age you should have annual checkups
This is not an emergency so I suggest we arrange an appointment at a time when you have nothing more pressing to attend to
How does January 24th sound? "

and NACA (no relation to NASA)

" We have recently seen you on television and your bellicose nature and hand-whirling suggest you are an energetic person for your advanced years I wonder if you would be prepared to act as a volunteer to the National Advisory Council on Aging before what appears to be early-onset Alzheimers (viz. forgoten prior positions on Itaq, same-sex etc.) takes full hold as we will clearly be challenged by the incoming Conservative administration

As you will note from the website we are a moribund association which has not achieved anything of note for the past five years so you would swiftly feel at home amongst us"

BUT

" Following your tip off, we are pleased to say we have found several copies of a hidden agenda on and within the person of the Leader of the Opposition You will no doubt also be delighted to know that we will also be bringing criminal charges against him as the evidence suggests he stole Liberal party headed notepapaer on which to type up the secret policies"

Well I never saw that buzz-saw coming

It would have been more appropriate if we'd met in a hardware store rather than a coffee shop Then maybe I could have covered Hargrove with some of that duct tape used on Ralph Klein Two Questions

• Why did I take anyone calling himself Buzz seriously
• Doesn't he have a real job to go to

British security agents have thwarted an attempt to kidnap Tony Blairs five-year-old son, Leo. Think of the sympathy vote that would have engendered. And I'm sure a million or so for the ransom could easily have been hidden in the $2billion gun registry budget

But oh no. My namby-pamby sons never think of the greater good

The tide is turning. Check out the latest poll

• Liberals 47%
• NDP 25%
• Greens 17%
• Conservatives 2%
• Not Voting 9%

Although I appreciate that the sample population may not fully reflect the national electorate, I am heartened by the result. After all if those most closely aware of our corruption and incompetence still back us we should have no trouble fooling the clueless plebs

BUT..
to be on the safe side I have decided we ought to take a leaf out our opponents' book.
Layton wants to borrow your vote, Harper wants to buy it so why shouldnt we steal it - in the nicest possible way of course

In the 2004 election, turnout was around 64% and is predicted to be even lower this time around. What sort of people are the stay-at-homes?

Change is in the air, being trumpeted by both the Tories and Dippers, so those staying at home consist of the apathetic, crippled, scared of cold weather, oblivious, high on drugs/alcohol or so uneducated they cannot tell Jan 23rd from a hill of beans.

In other words, Our natural constituency! And what's the point of protecting all these minoritiies and doling out our largesse to them if they dont actually reciprocate by voting for us.
Hey it's only an 'x'. You can be illiterate and still determine the country's future

Even with the freefall in the polls the 35% this group represents ought to see us to the 40% mark - enough for an overall majority!

So how is this to be achieved? Well here's something I never thought I would hear myself saying. We could learn something from the Aussies

Compulsory voting

I'll check with my constitutional lawyers to see if there is any chance we could have an emergency recall of parliament to get this on the books before D-day

When this tale started a month ago with me stating how much I enjoyed campaigning, I would not have predicted the current sorry state. If you had told me that, at the CBC, news of the election would usurped by stories of a couple of Canadian soldiers in a German hosptal fortunately, not the case

The aforementioned patients are two of the victims of a kamikaze attack in Afghanistan. A spokesman Maj. Nick Withers stated

Gee thanks for that. Obviously a proponent of two-tier medicine over here and probably part of the coup d'etat apparantly planned by the Conservatives (you did you see that ad, didn't you).

The patients have been put into a medically-induced coma a la Sharon. Obviously the procedure de jour and one which I wouldnt mind volunteering for tout de suite, I'm tellin ya.

Re Afghanistan: I have never had one person raise with me the merit of Canada's involvement. Says more about Canadians' awareness than any support for the operation

That's gonna change in a hurry - the Yanks are pulling out so you know worse is to come - but it is looking like it may not be my problem. Worst news is that I can't even make it a wedge issue. Harper supports the involvement but ex-Upper Canada College Defence Minister, Bill Graham only recently upped our commitment to 2,200 troops.

I guess that's 2118 now

The final week and we roll out our latest line (courtesy of my contemporary, Bob Dylan)

"Please think twice. Dont vote right"

Not sure that's going to get the 20% or whatever we need to ensure a majority, though.

What we really need is a cataclysmic situation so that the country rallies behind its 'One Leader'. I had hoped that Avian Flu would do the trick. But apparantly Canada rates at the bottom end of the susceptability league due to our low density of population and excellent containment facilities set up after the SARS crisis. So I had to scupper our plans to smuggle in a few sweaty Turks and start a panic

The public is more concerned about environmental catastrophe which would fit in with our Kyoto "rhetoric before deeds" platform. Still nothing good (like a tsunami off Vancouver) is likely to happen in the next seven days

I can, however, take some comfort in the fact that I have set a more positive legacy than my predecessor whose reckless 'so a few million went missing' attitude has landed me in the current mess.
According to esteemed environmental scientist, James Lovelock, we can all stop worrying about greenhouse gases etc. because we are already cooked meat

Apparantly

Nothing too explosive there, but sets a factually correct basis for

So now all my sucking up to the abos will pay off. Not in the short-term: the reaction of their full support for me in the forthcoming vote has the effect of turning off the other 95% of the population on the basis of 'Whenever did they make the right choice'

No, I'm looking 100 years hence when the Liberals will have a cast-iron majority. All 308 seats will be ours and the entire population will be Grit MP's

Of course, there are the dozen people who appreciate Ken Finkleman - fortuitously for him most of whom work for the CBC

So the delicious irony relating to the two planks that I am promoting as the major reasons for voting Liberal rather than Tory is probably wasted on my countryfolk.
viz.

a)Harper's decision not to honour the Kyoto protocol in word - when we have patently failed to do it in deed. I even managed to keep a straight face saying

lets hope I have the last laugh

It is a commonly-held fallacy that headlines are written by a copy editor. The assumption is that with an English degree and years of journalistic experience, he/she carefully scrutinizes the text and then encapsulates the meaning with an arresting phrase

Well that's not the way it works here. We apply the country-song approach. Come up with a title and adjust the facts as necessary

But on this occasion we not only come up with the headline and fashion the story but also made the events happen

We were saving 'Beyond Hope' line for a last, desperate plea for a sympathy vote but fortunately a small problem in Abbotsford, east of Hope, BC (geddit) enabled us to bring it up a day or two earlier than planned.

One of the secrets of politics is to learn from others - but not to give them any credit. I was able to apply this maxim twice yesterday.

A couple of months ago, the NDP put forward a motion to set up a fund for families whose breadwinneers died in the line of duty. Around 50 of the Liberal caucus, including leading Cabinet members (thankfully myself excepted) voted against the suggestion. I have now embraced the notion with the creation of a Heroes Fund backdating it to include those Mounties who died in the dereliction of their duty. Hopefully, negative reaction from families whose heroes died prior to Jan 1st 2005 can be kept under wraps until after the election

On Thursday, Harper got a lot of credit for ditching a Conservative candidate who had been charged with smuggling by the RCMP. On Friday I went one better by throwing out our Abbotsford candidate who had only been accused by his NDP rival of attempted bribery

What you may well ask has happened to our

approach used in the income trust brouhaha. Especially when there is no evidence to back up the Dippers allegations and the idea of a candidate conceding an election and suggesting that his supportes switch their allegiance to an opponent in a seat the Tories are going to win anyways, completely beggars belief

Well, appearances are everything and the Dipper looks like an honest farmboy. Our ex-guy looks like a cross between Tony Valeri and the Boston Strangler, with a trailer-trash wife to boot. So I went into

Of course if it had been a winnable seat.. but hey he was 'Beyond Hope'

With reference to the campaign catch-phrase, we are changing the name of this blog at least until January 23rd.

We are also hoping that this amendment will put to bed any suggestions that the entries do not more accurately reflect the Prime Minister's true views than any public pronouncements he might make.

Thank you for your continued support. Ed.

I know its Friday the 13th but I feel this is my lucky day. The day when the tide turns fundamentally in my favour. I know the latest EKOS poll has one or two unfortunate implications viz.

• Tories just shy of majority
• Duceppe in Stornaway
• A further small swing from us to the NDP has us in fourth place in terms of seats

Jeez dopehead. The inference of 'At this point' is 'Until we get round to changing it'

BUT

Jack Layton, used a private health facility for a hernia operation. I'll have that Medicare wrap back now, thank you very much

AND

It was discovered that a Tory candidate has been charged with smuggling. This episode showed up several features that I will be hammering home

• Harper disowned him pretty smartly. What about innocent until proved guilty? Sounds like a police-state to me
• The injured party protests that he had informed the party about the charges over him. They deny it. Someone's lying. Whoever it is, they are a Tory
• How did he slip through the net? It doesn't say much for Tory administration. Just wait until they have to handle a huge administration
• Did you get his name. Derek Zeisman. More pandering to the ethnic vote. A 33 year-old nobody just illustrates that anyone with any political nous will have joined the Liberal party over the past decade. Only the dregs of society would have wasted their time signing up for a party apparantly doomed to perpetual opposition

There has been a lot of speculation recently regarding who the mole leaking our policies to the media ahead of time might be

I think the most likely culprit is Ms BS

Of course, she does not have direct access to the information but with the excitement of the battle the war room is full of testerone-filled men locked away from their loved ones for the six week duration ...
And she has a track record of playing the field. The mole with the a hole you could say. Or the 21st Century Deep Throat

One explanation for her actions is that she is really a double agent. Think about it. Why would she leave a party she helped create, her lover, and third place in the pecking order. Just to become Minister of Democratic Renewal in a government where such a notion is on the backest burner ever produced

Additionally, in hindsight, we would have done much better to have had the election back in the summer and if she hadn't crossed the floor and apparantly bailed us out that would have been the outcome. I would almost certainly be relaxing with a majority -or more robust minority - rather than deperately pulling rabbits out of the hat like that ludicrous notwithstanding notion

So it all makes sense

On the other hand, there could be a more prosaic explanation for her molish behaviour. She is desperate for us to lose big time so that she can get out of Parliament

For someone previously on $9million per annum, her $200,000 salary as a Minister must be a hardship and the thought of reverting to a backbencher's stipend and status would be the last straw natch (heh-heh. geddit) Normally a turncoat with a 700 vote margin would be swept out ignominiously but as she often complains

"It's not fair. Everyone loves me"

This evening, sir, you did it! You did it! You did it! You said that you would do it And indeed you did. This evening, sir, you did it! You did it! You did it! We know that we have said it, But-you did it and the credit For it all belongs to you!

Notwithstanding the fact that our 'notwithstanding' faux pas has gone right over the head of the average punter - would someon please tell Irwin Cotler we're not flogging that particular horse anymore - we decided to go ahead with our attack ads. And from the furor they achieved they appear to have hit the mark

Due to a shortage of money, we aren't actually going to show them on TV but have just placed them on our website so that anyone can see them gratis. All the right-wing bloggers fell into our trap by linking to them thus generating more buzz. In addition, the networks all ranc some adding to the publicity

The masterstroke was pulling one - discreetly ensuring that it got into internet circulation first. That managed to push everything else out of the headlines (including the French debate at which Duceppe clearly has the advantage).

The actual text of this 'Guns in the Cities' ad is

The clincher? "We did not make this up". It's true It was our agency that came up with that one

But what with the RCMP investigating us during an election we can now insinuate that the neo-cons are planning to bring in a police-state

There seems to be universal agreement on who came out best in the debate

Not Jack Layton
Not Gilles Duceppe
Not Stephen Harper
But none other than...
Steve Paikin, the moderator

I collared him afterwards and offered him the post of Minister of Communications - not sure if we have one of those but if so they can be safely ditched. Hopefully, at the cabinet table, he will resist his annoying habit of interrupting me just prior to my getting round to the point

The highlight of the debate was my statement about doing away with the notwithstanding clause. This not only showed my bold nature but also confirmed my continued commitment to 'The Charter' by dismantling one of its fundamental clauses

The proposal caught my fellow competitors and the scribes off guard. There was a predictable negative response from the latter as it meant they all had to go and do research on a subject other than scandals Paul Wells's comment exemplified the reaction

Hey this is every man for himself here. And we came up with the idea when I was only three points down.

Of course in this particular case his bile is due to the bitterness he feels as he has had to face up to his marginalization: replaced by arch-rival, Andrew Coyne, on the CBC pundits panel; gradually eased out at Maclean's by a motley bunch of bloggers; and quitting the CommentsPlease site because someone was rude to him

Ah diddums

Anyway if this notwithstanding idea gets through, my legacy will be confirmed as I will put even more power of Canadians lives in the hands of unelected judges - two of them already my selections. Another one is due to retire in February as well. Perhaps I should make an advance appointment. You know, just in case the unimaginable happens..

Anyone know if Harriet Miers has dual citizenship

Something strange stalks the political atmosphere

Sharon is in critical condition with all Israelis praying for recovery
VP, Dick Cheney, has been admitted to with the whole world praying for his demise

Then, taking a break from preparing for the electiondebates, I watched the west wing where\the plot was about the VP preparing for his election debates. The actor playing him subsequently dies in real life(?) a month or so ago

Definitely a portent - but of what?

I'ts a damn shame the Israeli election is not due until 28 March. Otherwise, I could ascertain how a leader struck down would fare. However, polls indicate that his party will benefit

I'm being reassured that letting Harper lead in the polls and getting the main stream media whip up a frenzy over a potentisl conservative was our strategy; but I'm not so confident it will work

I may have to fake a stroke or heart attack so that a rush of sympathy propels me to a majority

There are a couple of downsides, however.
My constant standard-bearing for a public health service would be undermined. Theres no way I'm going to mix with the great unwashed and probably undisinfected especially in a system ranked lower than Morocco's and causing 10,000 deaths per annum via medical error
Secondly, my role as a spokesperson for the South Beach diet would be at an end According to their contract, they're not too keen on frail peopl promoting their product And thats a nice little earner I would not want to give up

Still I have a few more options which I may have to give serious thought to if the debates go poorly

'Brain dead'
'Unfit to govern'

I saw the headlines and that was enough. Clearly I'm viewed as the 'dead man walking' of Candian politics ( The PM is unaware that these headlines refer to Ariel Sharon<. Ed. )

As planned, I made my suggestion to Ms Stronach but she was unwilling to play ball either literally or figuratively I'm wondering if she's been reading Paul Wells

Well cute and dashing is a better description of her than any potential rivals e.g.

• Ex-pat and former Upper Canada College pupil, Michael Ignatieff
• Dull-as-Ditchwater and anti-Royalist, John Manley
• New Brunswickian - that's enough to scupper his chances - Frank McKenna

Check in tomorrow

Unfortunately, that wouldn't be the Liberal campaign; as evidenced by the latest polling results

Looking on the bright side, they are really good for our 'Scary-Harper' strategy. The midsguided public might have been comfortable with a minority Conservative government (until it imploded) but now they are juat a couple of percentage points away from a majority. The other positive is that Tory strength in Quebec has come at the BQ's expense - just as I planned. Now their dream of a 50%+1 for seperation lies in tatters and I have SAVED THE NATION

Of course it would be remiss of me not to mention the downside. If any more of our scandals reach the public (not that there are any more to discover, of course, ahem) then we might be down to the 25% mark, at least of those bothering to vote. I wouldn't even be leader of the Opposition in those circumstances (Thank God)

Unless I land a knockout blow in next weeks debates, I'm thinking Belinda Stage II will need to be wheeled out. Her trip across the floor saved us once and I'm hoping lightning can strike twice

I'm with her at the moment so we'll have to mull it over. Should it be hints of an illicit affair We could become the Canadian version of Bill & Hillary ; Bel & 'Hell It's me!'. That would definitely go down well in Quebec where signs of life in the old dog will whet their passionate feelings.

On the other hand, it would cause a certain frostiness on the home front. Belinda was pretty harsh in her condemnations of Harper yesterday. Perhaps we could hint at something more personal. Sexual harassment anybody? Time we got the RCMP on our side for once

Many in the PMO have it running on constant loop and obviously the Tories checked it out as it got a knee-jerk reaction from Harper. He immediately promised to speed up the immigration process, which can take years, halve the $1,000 entry tax and make it easier for highly qualified professionals with foreign experience to start higher on the ladder

The Toronto Star weighed in with a piece about how we are fielding fewer ethnic candidates inthe GTA than other parties. To be honest I had always thought this was playing the immigration card. We are trying to get newcomers to have a fuilfilling life their family can be proud of. Encouraging them to become backbench cannon fodder hardly fits the bill. Well does it?

However, my crew got a bit rattled so we decided to dump the immigration tax completely and also promised to address the other issues - as we had planned to do before being forced into an election blah-blah-blah

To be honest this went against my better judgement, not only because it is one of Sheila Copps's hobby-horses. There will be one of two outcomes. Either there will be a rush of applications that will completely flood the ministry. Or Psychology 101/the Groucho rule will kick in and what is available to all will be less attractive to the elite

Whichever happens it wont change human nature. The next time Harper goes for his annual check up with his proctologist and a doctor with a third-class degree from Tripoli university reveals his probe I can predict his immediate reaction

Not In My Bum, Yasser

Count on it

Well I may be anti cherry-picking on the Charter, but not where it comes to giving Canadians what they want be it faster access to passports, replacing the Sea Kings or agriculture (did I really say that?)

They then trumpet the fact that they will only have five priorities! Pshh! What do they plan to do the rest of the week?

And their assiduous reseacrhers failed to uncover our true number one priority
RETAIN POWER AT ALL COSTS

So that makes 57 varieties. Heinz will be onto me soon to act as their spokesman

A loyal friend who had outlived his usefulness

Apparantly Harper needs to brush up on his English whilst Layton is going to spend more time walking the dog!

Mine?

My Christmas gifts to the boys did not go down very well. Turkey dinner was a very quiet affair.
Perhaps if I had pretended they had come from Santa they would be more responsive. They clearly believe kids arrive courtesy of the stork

I had hoped we could set up a Martin dynasty.

• My father - the Nearly Man
• Myself - Prime Minister
• My progeny - Emperors

Maybe they have life too easy living off the shipping company I built into a half billion dollar company. Meanwhile I take all the flak for its use of slave labour and tax-avoidance practices

I'm not sure the boys are up to it figuratively or literally. I know sperm counts are declining and men aren't what they used to be but I had a 50% success rate when doing the dirty deed

Perhaps its time I got a bit more pro-active, if you know what I mean. Drop in on an appropriate occasion with a "Move over son this is a man's job"
With the daughters-in-law I could rehash Lyndon Johnson's line
"It's ok darling I'm your Prime Minister"

At the halfway stage it is time to take stock of the campaign to date

On the one hand, you have all published your platforms to almost total disregard (although Stephen your proposale's will put us in defecit faster than 'Condo Lisa dropped her drawers in the 70's). On the other, we have had nothing of value to say (although the focus group results on what we should be doing are due in the next week)

On the one hand, you have all run campaigns noted for their restraint and high mindedness and professionalisnm. On the other, what with 'beer and popcorn', 'olivia chow-chow' and incometrustgate we have completely screwed up.

And yet the polls stay resolutely unchanged.
Bottom-line. You can't win

However, I do accept that even our supine electorate are incapable of returning a Liberal majority government. Therefore, before we start getting really nasty -and what do you think 'Scott the Rot' (Scott Reid, affectionally known as the rotweiller Ed.) has been working on to get back in my good books - and taint our democracy to an even greater extent, let me make a proposal which will both save us all from more rounds of glad-handing people we have no respect for and the public voting on the bleakest day of the year

The most recent UBC election stock market has the following standings
Other 1
Dippers 23
Separtists 58
Rednecks 106
Good Guys 120

I propose that we just accept that result (we can all make a killing by betting on these figures)
You will all increrase your caucuses, thus keeping your jobs and commensurate salary/celebrity without having the unenviable task of actually running the country You will also be able to select which 23/58/106 or whatever candidates you wish to sit on the benches, thus getting rid of any troublemakers who would have surfaced had we followed the tradition of actually holding the vote

Sounds good to me
so please RSVP ASAP

Yours most sincerely,
PM the er..um.. PM

I always thought his nickname was because he was a bit of a lap-dog, but it seems as though he's a bit rough round the edges where integrity is concerned. I guess you can take the guy out of Saskatchewan but you can't take the Saskatchewanee (?) out of the guy

He is pretty dogged though. Having vastly outstripped his abilities, he clearly wants to hang on to his job. In fact, if we lose the election I wouldn't be surprised if the RCMP have to eject him physically from the ministry building . Going by his name his next best prospects are as a barman so I can see his point .

Convention stipulates that he should resign pending the completion of any inquiry but he came out with some convoluted and meaningless explanation on why he should stay before my guys could get him to fall on his sword

The major problem is that he was the clean-cut face of the cabinet amongst a bunch of traitors (Brison, Stronach), incompetents (Scott etc.), pocket padders (Pettigrew et al) and sepratists (Lapierre)
Apart from my COMPLETE EXONERATION, 'Ruff' came out best in the Gomery report for his action on the sponsorship file initiall freezing it and then having it administered by public servants under new guidelines. Something that Pelletier and my predecessor should have done six years earlier

The only bright spot is that if we do regain power after all this it will completely shatter the Conservatives faith in the populace and they may just disband in disgust

A bit trickier for me, as most fanatics, if they have even heard of Canada, assume we are the 51st state. So the secret is to create an enemy within

Serendipitously, two events fell into my lap over the past couple of days. The shooting in Toronto and some anti-Semitic graffiti found on an Edmonton synagogue. As luck would have it, I was at a Hanukkah celebration yesterday and was able to get in the phrase 'un-Canadian activities'. Due to the aforementioned rally-round-the-flag mentality, I had no need to be partisan - unlike Harper whose bleating for more hand-gun enforcement just sounded like an attack on the police

In fact, the alarm is completely overstated. One death on the 1896km of Yonge street this year hardly warrants this reaction. Everyone knows it is just down to black gangs that are doing their best to erase the problem. Best option would be to stand back and let them eliminate each other There is bound to be the odd bit of collateral damage

However, Mayor Miller's stay-away attitude ( He remained vacationing in Spain Ed.) does provide an opening it would be remiss of me to ignore. I will take the opportunity to talk up his NDP background and by association smear his former colleague on Toronto council, Jack Layton

However, there are apparantly lesser lights in our party who have joined my bandwaggon, using blogs to show the world the 'inner man'

Anyway, this particular person, Mark Klander,(apparantly one of my henchmen but I cannot recall him) has been hung drawn and quartered for including in his listing of 'Top 10 things that will make me sick during the election campaign'
No 10: Olivia Chow
That's it (well more or less)

Well, Jack Layton's partner has also figured in these pages. Thank God this blog wont see the light of day until I'm sitting at the right hand of you-know-who because I have no idea how to disable the search engine on this site

For more coverage check out Comments please and small dead animals

We've managed to distance ourselves from this 'volunteer' and plan to put it out that he might have been a plant by the Conservatives. After all, with a name like Klander he obviously has some connection to the KKK, the forerunner of Reform. We still have some cash over from Adscam which will help him back up up the story.

Logic also comes to our rescue

• Liberals never say uncomplimentary things about gays, ethnics etc.
• Klander did
• Klander cannot be a Liberal
• Therefore he must be a Tory

Still it remains a bit of an embarassment. Shame he wasn't hiding out amongst the crowds at Dundas and Yonge yesterday. (scene of a deadly gun battle. Ed.) One weel-aimed bullet could have swiftly killed this story

They managed to ignore Gilles Duceppe as well as whoever leads the Green party; and referred to Kack Layton, so you can imagine it went down pretty well with the turkey dinner.
'Kack' tried too hard to impress e.g Next read "Stephen Lewis's Massey lectures." and Harper ignored several questions whilst I struck the happy medium which so endears me to millions of Canadians

If you read the article you will notice I focussed on my grandchildren, or lack thereof. With a combined age of well over a hundred you'ld have thought one of my sons would have fired a live bullet. I've no idea what the problem is. After all, I left each of them the latest copy of 'All about the Birds and Bees' on their bedside tables on their sixteenth birthdays

However, as an encouragement I presented them each with a book at the family get-together

• Being married doesn't mean you're gay
• Viagra for dummies
• Belinda in pictures - the Playboy edition

If that doesn't do the trick I may have to adopt, although as my predecessor has found out that has pitfalls too

No, it was to see what advantage we could gain from Asia's loss. We can hardly offer beautiful beaches under a warm sun, or a distinctive cuisine - but there is sex-tourism. About the only tim you hear of Canadians abroad is when one has been caught with an under-age girl in South asia

With many of Thai and Sri Lankan children lost in the flood it will take them a long time to get back on their feet (or backs in this caase)

And now the Liberal leaning Supreme Court (with my appointments siding with the majority) has boosted home prospects with their decision allowing swingers clubs to flourish. Couple that with our age of consent for heterosexual sex which at 14 is the lowest in the Western world it places us in a great position(ahem) to reap the benefits

The rightwing have got their knickers in a twist over this one. On the one hand they dont want government intrusion; on the other, it is just another sign of moral decay under Liberals. More internal strife there. Goody-goody

The only fly in the ointment is the iniquity of the law as our mano-on-mano AOC is 18. Last thing I want is a bunch of poofs spouting their Charter rights just before an election

The problem is my

outburst
The bugger only took me up on it. And then Harper joined the fray

Don't they understand a fucking metaphor?!

I brushed it off quoting a busy schedule. I'm not hanging around on street corners Last time that happened it took a lot of time, money and influence to get me out of police HQ

Perhaps I should just stand above the fray?
Would someone build me a rose garden tout-bleedin-suite

Actually it's not all bad news as I have nimble-footed my way to an alternative opportunity
What the psudeo-pundits have failed to pick up on is the dual significance of my

speech. It was not just to show my federalist credentials. It was a resume

If, as seeems likely, the Bloc gain more than 50% of the vote, then the push for seperatism will grow. Now lets suppose they win the referendum. Do they really want a callow, thirty-something, Andre Boscalir representing them in foreign parts? As an overt homosexual he'd probably be thrown in jail in the first Middle East or African country he visited. Not a good start

No, as their first PM (or President) they'll be looking for someone with experience, a Quebecer who in negotiations with Canada knows where all the money is hidden. Someone who is great buddies with a founder of the Bloc, for instance Jean Lapierre.
And guess who will happen to be unexpectedly available. Moi.

Probably the first person ever to have been Prime Minister of two countries
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, JC

After all, we can't be hypocritical about them wanting to exploit stretches of wasteland no one in their right minds would want to visit and where the most intelligent being within 500km are polar bears

Substitute black for polar and it sounds like Alberta to me

Our official position is that drilling in Alaska would upset Porcupine Caribou herds (yep I'm not kidding) but you can bet your bottom dollar if any decent amounts of the black stuff are found there we'll be opening up the Yukon to my buddies in the oil industry before I can say g**s and l******s

...talking of which

I see the NDP have nominated what passes for them as a star name, former governor general Ed Schreyer.

That brings with them some major problems which we can exploit. They just 'ousted' no-name Bev Desjarlais for her unofficial views on the same-sex issue but Schreyer has equivalent views and was fool enough to speak his mind 20 years ago calling homosexuality "an affliction" He got very testy when pressed on his position yesterday

Although I agree with him wholeheartedly, you won't catch me on that one

I just hide behind the Curtain of Rights!

Spending time in Regina naturally led to thoughts of queens and the current interest in them over in old Blighty

The Brits are now following our lead on same-sex and Sir Elton is one of the first to make a move, marrying a Scarborough lad no less. The wedding, traditionally taken at the home of the bride, is taking place in England so I suppose that means David Furnish is the boy in the relationship. Thank goodness for small mercies

Moving on to the real thing, HRH is having her upteenth portrait done by that lovable rogue Rolf, 'Tie me kangaroo down sport' Harris. He's a ex-Aussie so I would have thought he would have come out with something a bit shocking but apparantly it's a 'comfy' rendition of the old biddy

Still I'm sure this would have crossed his mind, unless his lack of a Latin education meant he had the obvious rhymeto the praire province's capital

Sipping tea from the finest bone china
Rolf said "Pose on this recliner"
'I can now do the queen
As she's never been seen
with a view of her bum and vagina'

To them, The main item on the agenda turned out to be seperation. The fact is, without Quebec, the country shifts westward and more right-wing Harper would be more than happy to see 'la belle provi